So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize