got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
