The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Fuck me I smell like cheese
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
