I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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