blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize
