Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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