Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
did i walk over a car last night?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
