five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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