I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
