every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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