Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
