Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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