I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
