There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
