Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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