Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
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