Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I love you. Go after that dick
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