I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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