using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
