We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you didnt know i had herpes?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
