Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
