hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
