How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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