1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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