Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
