dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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