i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
