im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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