last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize