turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
