She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize