I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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