Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
