Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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