8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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