Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
