Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
