and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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