Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
