Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
