Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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