chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Oh god it's open bar.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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