If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
