oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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