Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
