I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
