do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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