I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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