If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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