how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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