Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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