I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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