If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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