sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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