They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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