my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
third nipple confirmed
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
