If i could tip my vagina, i would.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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