No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize