I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
