My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
