the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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