He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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